Tenchi Porno : A Satire
by Graffito Tag
Summary: Lemons...Love 'em or hate 'em, everyone knows that making fun of them makes for top quality fanfics. 'Lemon' fic with no graphic situations (you'll see what I mean). Dangerously funny.


TENCHI PORNO:A SATIRE  
  
Warning, this fic contains not so graphic sexual scenes. Take my word for it, you'll see what I mean. Also, you may be stupider after reading this.  
  
Disclaimer-This isnt a fanfic, you're just dreaming...  
  
  
PART 1-THE SETUP  
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It was another beutiful day at the Masaki house. Birds were singing, the sun was shining, birds were singing, the sky was blue. Tenchi awoke in his room with Ryoko on top of him. Did I mention there were singing birds? Couldn't even see the trees for all the damn birds...anyway...  
  
TENCHI-"Ryoko! Derrrr..what are you doin on top of me and...naked?"  
  
RYOKO-"Take a guess..."  
  
TENCHI-"Dammit, Ryoko!" he looks at the clock that Ryoko had broken the day before (it woke Tenchi up before she was finished..heh). "Look at that, its only uh...sparking wire past G in the morning! Thats too early for this!"  
  
RYOKO-"But what if I had nipples?" she snaps her fingers, nipples appear on her boob.  
  
TENCHI-"Ryoko, the rule is one nipple on EACH boob, and it doesn't make any difference, now GET OFF!"   
  
RYOKO-"I thought you weren't in the mood."  
  
TENCHI-"You know what I mean!" tosses her off him, gets dressed and heads downstairs, only to find....  
  
NOBOYUKI-"C'mon Sasami!" he shoved his cock up to her face.  
  
SASAMI-"Oh, it's so big!"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Kiss it, Sasami!" Sasami puts her lips up to the head of his cock and kisses it.  
  
TENCHI-"Sasami! What are you doing? Dont kiss that dirty thing!"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Hey, little Noboyuki isn't dirty! I just gave it a bath today. Look at how shiny his feathers are!"  
  
SASAMI-"Such a cute little rooster. I almost wish we didn't have to kill it, even though it will taste good..."  
  
LITTLE LATER  
  
RYOKO-whispering-"Tenchi, I want to take it up the ass!"  
  
TENCHI-"What? Doesn't that hurt?"  
  
RYOKO-"Yeah, but its worth it."  
  
TENCHI-"Wouldn't you rather take it in the mouth?"  
  
RYOKO-"No, I cant stand how that tastes!"  
  
TENCHI-"Fine then, I'll tell dad to get the Robitussin supositories instead of the syrup."  
  
RYOKO-"Thanks, Tenchi!" Little did they know that at this time, Washu was getting a phone call that would change their lives forever...  
  
WASHU-picking up phone-"Hello?...Who is this? The author? What the hell do you mean? uh huh....okay....OH. Okay then...what do you want? Uh huh...Why would I want to do that? Yeah...Yeah, I guess it would be pretty funny... well, I'll get right on it...Okay...bye."  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
Kiyone sits on the couch stroking Ryo-oki.  
  
KIYONE-"Ryo-oki...I got a wicked idea.."  
  
RYO-OKI-"Myu? (What?)"  
  
KIYONE-"Damn, Ryo-oki, I..I want to feel you inside me!"  
  
RYO-OKI-"Myah?! (HUH?)" Kiyone grabbed Ryo-oki by the midsection...looked her directly in the eyes...and proceded to eat her.  
  
KIYONE-"MMMmmmm...Ryo-oki...." Tenchi walks in.  
  
TENCHI-"Hey, Kiyone. Say, what ever happened to Mihoshi?"  
  
KIYONE-"Huh? I *gulp* don't really know..."  
  
MEANWHILE AGAIN, AT THE LOCAL HOSPITAL  
  
DR-"Well, Miss Mihoshi...your throat seems to be healed, so we will be releasing you today. But remember, from now on, make sure that you get the Happy Meal with the toddler toy!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Uh....okay." -thinking-"I cant wait to get back to my friends...sure would have been nice if they visited me though..."  
  
BACK AT THE HOUSE, AROUND 11...  
  
TENCHI-sitting in living room-"So then..." Ryoko suddenly jumps into the room, and starts rubbing some dick up and down. "What the hell?" Ryoko starts licking the dick on the head.  
  
RYOKO-"You like this, Tenchi?" Tenchi starts to come.   
  
TENCHI-"Holy shit! Im commin!"  
  
DICK CLARK-"No, dont worry about it, Mr. Masaki. I kinda like this."  
  
TENCHI-"I really dont know what's gotten into her...Ryoko, go away!"   
  
RYOKO-"Fine!" disappears  
  
TENCHI-"Sorry about that Mr. Clark. Now, you mentioned something about a 10 million dollar check..."  
  
DICK CLARK-"Sure, its possible...but I wanted to talk to you about these great new magazines availible from...."  
  
10 SECONDS LATER  
  
DICK CLARK-"Okay, I give up, just dont kill me!"  
  
TENCHI-stopping the car-"Fine, just GET LOST!" Dick Clark leaves, and is never heard from again. Tenchi gets out of his car, and walks back to the house.  
  
  
PART 2- BOW WOW WICACHICKA BOW WOW WICACHICKA...  
  
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WASHU-"TENCHI! I've done it! I'm such a genius!"  
  
TENCHI-"Dammit, Washu, I'm not in the mood. I'm having dick trouble lately."  
  
WASHU-"But Tenchi! I've finished my greatest creation ever! The hornification machine! It releases an energy burst that has the ability to alter the mental paterns of anyone, making them ucontrolably horny."  
  
TENCHI-"Why the hell did you do that?"  
  
WASHU-"I dont know, some guy just told me too...it should be activated in...5....4....3....2....1..."  
  
TENCHI-"Washu..nothin happened..."  
  
WASHU-"Oh...I guess it didnt work." (yeah, sure it didnt) "Well, I'll be in my lab making repairs." Washu walks back to her lab. At that moment, a dazed Ryoko flies downstairs.  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi, I...I want you. Right here!"  
  
TENCHI-"Okay." Ryoko looks confused at the reply, but that doesnt stop her.  
  
  
THE FOLLOWING SCENE WILL BE WRITTEN IN THE FORM OF-EXTREMELY SAFE SEX  
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RYOKO-"Tenchi, I have wanted to be with you for so long!"   
  
She grabs him by the 5 layer flame retardant coveralls, and their gas masks meet in a passionate kiss.   
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi, I'm so hot right now!"  
  
TENCHI-"Me too. I think my oxygen pump broke...uh...baby."  
  
Tenchi caresses her radiation suit, pressing his hand against the region where he believed her boobs to be. Ryoko moves her steel tongs slowly up his leg...  
  
TENCHI-"NO! I cant do this!" He pushes her to the padded floor, and rushes out the room.  
  
............................................................................  
  
RYOKO-"Tenchi..why?" Kiyone walks in.  
  
KIYONE-"Ryoko...whats wrong?"  
  
RYOKO-crying-"None of your business"  
  
KIYONE-"Oh Ryoko, let Kiyone make it better..."  
  
  
THE FOLLOWING SCENE WILL BE WRITTEN IN THE FORM OF-AUDIO ONLY  
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RYOKO-"Oh...I dont know."  
  
KIYONE-"I know what I'm doin."  
  
RYOKO-"Hey..need some help findin it?"  
  
KIYONE-"Just sit back, bitch!"  
  
RYOKO-"Oh yeah! Back..back..right there!"  
  
KIYONE-"You like that?"  
  
RYOKO-"Oh yeah! Go...yes..go go! AHHH! YEAAHHH!!"  
  
KIYONE-"Ryoko, I didn't know you were into this."  
  
RYOKO-"Are you kiddin? I love football! But maybe you should put down that remote so we can get it on!"  
  
KIYONE-"I thought you would never ask! Lets go up to Tenchi's room."  
............................................................................  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
Tenchi bursts into Ayeka's room.  
  
TENCHI-"Ayeka? Where are you?" Suddenly, a net falls from the celing, capturing Tenchi. Ayeka steps out from her closet, wearing leather straps and chains.  
  
AYEKA-"You wont get away this time!"  
  
TENCHI-"Why would I want to do that?"  
  
THE FOLLOWING SCENE WILL BE IN THE FORM OF-100% S&M  
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Ayeka quickly produces her whip and begins beating Tenchi fiercely. Then, she decides the whip isn't exciting enough, and starts breaking Tenchi's ribs with her baseball bat.  
  
TENCHI-"Oh, hurt me more bitch!"  
  
AYEKA-"You do me too!"   
  
TENCHI-"Oh yeah!" He starts punching her in the face, and he kicks him in the nads.  
  
AYEKA-"YES! Give me more!" Tenchi grabs her by the legs, and rips one off, spilling blood everywhere. "UHHH!" Ayeka reaches into her nightstand and pulls out a revolver. She pumps 3 shots into his head.  
  
TENCHI-"Damn Ayeka!"  
  
AYEKA-"....."  
  
TENCHI-"You're good at this! But the fact is...I love Ryoko!"  
  
............................................................................  
  
AYEKA-"NOOOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOO!!!" Ayeka wakes up, drenched in numerous liquids. "Oh..I had the dream again..." She quickly got dressed and went downstairs.  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Hey, Ayeka. What are you doing up so late, its like...1 o'clock. Oh, by the way, you wanna fuck?" Now normally, Ayeka would have said no right away, but...  
  
AYEKA-"No way, you dirty, senile old prick!"  
  
.....oh...well...uh anyway...  
  
AYEKA-"Do you know where lord Tenchi is?"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Well, I haven't seen since earlier. Maybe you should look in his room." Ayeka makes her way up to Tenchi's room, where she hears odd sounds. Fearing the worst, she smashes in the door.  
  
AYEKA-"Ryoko! What in the hell do you think you're doing?"  
  
RYOKO-"What is it Ayeka?"   
  
KIYONE-"You want to join in?"  
  
AYEKA-blushing-"I..I had no idea!" Ryoko gets up and walks up to her.  
  
RYOKO-"Come on, princess...You know, I never really told you this, but...I've always been kinda attracted to you."  
  
AYEKA-"Really?"  
  
RYOKO-"If it gets me some pussy...I'll say anything!"  
  
AYEKA-"Oh, Ryoko! You've made me so happy!"  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
Tenchi has been hiding out in the carrot garden.  
  
TENCHI-"That machine must have worked after all! I have to keep a safe distance from any *gulp* girls! Otherwise I might score!" Washu begins to walk toward him.  
  
WASHU-"Tenchi? Tenchi, are you around here?"  
  
TENCHI-"Washu! Im glad you're here! Your machine worked!"  
  
WASHU-"Yeah..."  
  
TENCHI-"Washu..." Tenchi's mind was twisting under the effects of the machine.  
  
WASHU-"What is it?"  
  
TENCHI-"Why are you putting your hands in my pants?"  
  
WASHU-"....Damn you're stupid! I want it, Tenchi."  
  
TENCHI-"You know..its my first time"-thinking-'I hope she buys it...'  
  
WASHU-"Dont worry, Tenchi, everything will be alright"-thinking-'I dont buy that for a second'  
  
THE FOLLOWING SCENE WILL BE IN THE FORM OF-INUENDO  
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Tenchi began to sweat as he opened the doors of the forbidden temple, and sent in Indiana Jones. Washu's twin peaks began to quake when Tenchi went spelunking in the natural cavern. Suddenly, the walls of the tunnel burst, nearly drowning Sylvester Stalone.  
Tenchi switched it up when Washu took a header and started barking up the wrong tree. Turns out Washu had the inside story on watergate, and she saw the milky way through Tenchi's telescope.  
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MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH  
  
Noboyuki was gettin out of the shower, blissfully unaware of the devious plan hatched by Ryoko. The Kiyone and Ryoko slowly crept into Noboyuki's room, awaiting the chaos to come.  
  
KIYONE-whispering-"Are you sure this plan will work?"  
  
RYOKO-whispering-"Yeah, dont worry about it!" Noboyuki walks out of the shower wearing one of those pink poofy towels.  
  
RYOKO-"NOW!" Ryoko runs up to Noboyuki and pulls his towel off.   
  
KIYONE-"That's your plan? Oh well, it works!"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Holy shit! I'm being raped! My dream has come true!"  
  
RYOKO-"Lets go old man!"  
  
THE FOLLOWING SCENE WILL BE WRITTEN IN THE STYLE OF-FREAKY ASS SCOOBY DOO SEX  
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NOBOYUKI-lookin at Ryoko's crotch-"Look! A clue!"  
  
RYOKO-also lookin at her crotch-"Lets split up gang!"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"I'm gonna get to the bottom of this mystery." Noboyuki and Ryoko get 'shaggy'.  
  
RYOKO-"Oh, OH OH YEAH OH AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! JINKEEEES!!!"  
  
NOBOYUKI-"Wait a minute, that wasnt an orgasm at all, its MR. SMITH!"  
  
MR.SMITH-"And I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you pesky kids!"  
............................................................................  
  
AND DOWNSTAIRS...  
  
Tenchi and Washu walk in, Washu heads directly to her lab. Ayeka is busy cleaning up the mess that was left in the kitchen. Tenchi looks at her, and gets...an idea.  
  
THE NEXT SCENE WILL BE WRITTEN-AS THOUGH I DIDNT KNOW WHAT THE HELL I WAS TALKING ABOUT  
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Tenchi walks up to Ayeka, unzips his pants, and shoves his member deep in her nasal passage.  
  
AYEKA-"Hnngoo gloord Dengi, aarderr!" They both have an organism. Ayeka removes his slim jim from her nose, and Tenchi begins to caress her latisimus opening. They both have another organism.  
  
TENCHI-"Lets get kanky!" He grabs the toaster from the counter, presses the button down, and inserts his schlong. The electrocution sends him writhing on the floor with pleasure.   
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi! You know I love electrosex!"  
  
TENCHI-*sizzle*  
............................................................................  
  
Tenchi shook himself out of the daydream.  
TENCHI-"Woah...that was fucked up!"  
  
AYEKA-"Oh, Tenchi, you're back!"  
  
TENCHI-"Hi Ayeka...hey, you look worried."  
  
AYEKA-"Tenchi, I have something to confess...Im...I HAVE A DICK!"  
  
TENCHI-shocked-"OH, FUCK ME!!"  
  
AYEKA-"Don't worry, I will."  
  
TENCHI-"Well, don't worry Ayeka, after all...Im a hermaphrodite too!"  
  
AYEKA-"..."  
  
TENCHI"..."  
  
AYEKA-"Well, I guess everything works out then. By the way, have you seen Sasami?"  
  
TENCHI-"What? That sexy little bitch isnt here?"  
  
AYEKA-"You think she's sexy too?"  
  
TENCHI-"Aparrently."  
  
It seems that earlier, Sasami left to visit Yugi.  
  
THE FOLLOWING SCENE WILL BE WRITTEN IN THE FORM OF-BRUTAL PEDOPHILIC LESBIAN FUCKING  
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YUGI-"Sasami, its been so long..." She moves her hand to the hem of Sasami's dress.  
  
  
PSYCHE!!!  
  
Actually, Sasami had been there sleeping for hours. She was tired out from getting up at 2 a.m. to fix food every damn day.  
  
SASAMI-waking up-"OH, I must have fallen asleep! I hope no one is worried about me." She runs back to the house..meanwhile...  
  
MIHOSHI-"Whew! That was a long walk! And that cab driver who kept hitting on me didn't make it any easier." She walks into the door.  
  
MIHOSHI-"Hello? Is anyone here?....Hm." She sits down on the couch and turns on the tv. "AAAhhh...I wonder where everyone went...I hope no one comes in and tries to rape me or something." Suddenly an angel appears infront of Mihoshi.  
  
ANGEL-"Mihoshi! I bring you dire warnings!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Can you move? I cant see tv."  
  
ANGEL-"You are in danger here! You must leave this house!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"My name is Mihoshi!"  
  
ANGEL-"Are you listening?"  
  
MIHOSHI-counting on fingers-"I'm this many!"  
  
ANGEL-disappearing-"Well, don't say I didnt warn you!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"I wonder what that was?" Sasami opens the door.  
  
SASAMI-"Mihoshi! You're home!" They hug. "Say, have you seen Ryo-oki?" Ayeka walks stickily and naked down the stairs. "Ayeka! What are you doing?"  
  
AYEKA-with that look in her eye-"Oh..its nothing Sasami...why dont you...come upstairs with me...mmmmmmm..."  
  
SASAMI-"Mihoshi! I'm scared!"  
  
MIHOSHI-"Me too! TENCHI! HELP!" Tenchi runs downstairs, taking care to cover himself with Ryoko.  
  
TENCHI-"AAaah...fresh meat!"  
  
WASHU-from Tenchi's room-"Tenchi, hurry up! I haven't fucked for almost thirty seconds!"  
  
KIYONE-Tenchi's room-"Look! I found a candle stick!"  
  
WASHU-"It's mine!"  
  
MIHOSHI-drawing her gun-"Run Sasami! Sasami? WAIT FOR ME!!!" Mihoshi runs away from the house in fast motion, just as someone else drives up.  
  
DUDE-"Hey, is anyone home?"  
  
TENCHI-"Hello? Can I help you? OW! Dammit Ryoko, stop bitin it!"  
  
DUDE-"Tenchi! It's me! Your long lost twin brother Bjorn!"  
  
TENCHI-"I haven't seen you for years! Come on in and fuck my girlfriends."  
  
  
PART 3-THE RESOLUTION  
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NEWSCASTER-"...registered for castration. On the darker side of the news, a number of victims of what is being called a bizzare erotic cult were found today in a secluded mountain home. Police say the cause of death was self inflicted starvation. Two witnesses have stepped forward in the investigation, a small girl, and a mentally challenged woman in her mid twenties. Neither was very helpful."  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
Another piece of fanfic artistry from Graffito Tag. I would appreciate reviews, and feel free to MST this (if you can). And if you thought it sucked, I'm sorry I wasted your time.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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